Life is the best thing on NBC.

... that isn't a comedy.

Forget the whole on-going Jack Reese, who is responsible for Charlie going to jail, blah blah bullcrap for a moment. Because this just in: we don't give a shit.

Forget all that for a moment because let's just face facts here Life is the best show on NBC (that isn't a comedy).

Don't believe me? Let's take a look.

You think Chuck's better? Are you one of those 'oh man Chuck is so awesome people'. Yeah, well, you're wrong. Welcome to the world of your opinion is different from mine in the sense that my opinion is right and your opinion is wrong. Life trumps Chuck.

Heroes? Really? Is that even a question?

My Own Worst Cancelled... does that even count anymore?

Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU ... word on the street is SVU is a big barrel of ace burgers, but let's ignore that for a moment and remind ourselves that Life is stellar.

Stellar beats Ace Burgers every day of the week.

Knight Rider.
Crusoe.
Lipstick Jungle.

Somebody phone the council because this garbage has been sitting on the sidewalk for a year now and nobody's come to pick it up.

Deal Or No Deal.

Really? What's up with the US of A? Why is Deal Or No Deal in primetime? And why does it take you guys an hour to watch somebody fill out a live action scratchie?

I don't think we do a heck of a lot of things right when it comes to television in Australia but putting Deal Or No Deal at 5:30 when GAME SHOWS are on is one of them.

ER.

Apparently ER is still on television. LIFE TRUMPS IT.

Also there's Momma's Boys, and The Biggest Loser, and well, yeah that's it.

That's everything on NBC that isn't a comedy, and even half of their comedies are questionable. I mean I watched six episodes of Kath & Kim but that was because I'm retarded and watch a lot of everything, how are you expecting real people to watch this stuff?

So outside of 30 Rock and The Office the best thing on NBC is Life.

Yeah. Life.

I hate to say this but maybe giving Jay Leno an hour of prime time every night might actually be an IMPROVEMENT on the current schedule.

But this is NBC we're talking about, they couldn't make a hit out of a critical darling, award winning, free publicity getting, guest star packed show like 30 Rock how exactly are they going to make Life a hit?

You know how they could make Life a hit... give it to CBS.

CBS would know what to do with it.

Gavin & Stacey rocks the Britcom.

If you've been hanging around checking out every Britcom to come your way from The IT Crowd to The Mighty Boosh trying to find the show that bests The Office, well, step back. It's already here.

Gavin & Stacey is the best Britcom since The Office.

Outnumbered is hilarious. Extras was lol-tastic. Peep Show does awkward comedy better than anybody.

But you want a show with the heart to match the laughs look no further than the Gavlar.

Two seasons and a Christmas special down. Here's hoping they don't puss out Ricky Gervais style and go for the third season. The Christmas special left so many questions hanging that fingers crossed a third season is just around the corner, but such is the fate of the Britcom.

The key to The Office was that we gave a shit about the characters, we saw ourselves in Tim and despite ourselves we cared for David Brent. He was a pretentious git, but it was heartbreaking when he got fired. All he had was that job.

The humanity of the whole thing only worked because the laughs were so big. Oh the laughs were bigger in Extras, but that came with a massive dose of 'look who I know' from Gervais which didn't help the medicine go down.

Extras knew how not to make a Christmas special and instead gave us a 50 minute guide to killing ourselves. Yikes that thing was horrible.

On the flipside Gav & Stace gave us a Christmas special which was actually about Christmas, and was simply an extended episode of the series. Which is all we ever asked for, we don't need some lecture about celebrity from a guy who swims around in the stuff.

Find Gavin & Stacey.

Watch Gavin & Stacey.

And after the first couple of episodes where you're sitting thinking that I'm wrong KEEP WATCHING.

You'll love these characters.

You'll care about these characters.

You'll see yourself in these characters.

You'll laugh with these characters, at these characters, around these characters, etc, etc, etc.

Gavin & Stacey: as good as The Office. Believe.

Goodbye Dexter

So it finally happened. I gave up on Dexter. I know, I know, I'm wrong. It's the greatest show of all time. He kills people, that's cool. It's cool how he kills people. Killing people is a cool thing to do.

You know what, I'm out. I'm done. I'm dusted. Clean me off I'm going home. No more Dexter for me.

I watched the whole first series so it's not like I didn't try. I tried. I even enjoyed it. That's right, I was having a gay ol' time. But then about four episode into season 2 I stopped giving a flying anything about the show.

Now, we all know that Dexter's girlfriend (whatever her name is) is the single most annoying character in the history of television characters who had to go out with Dexter, and we know that the black lady who's his boss is kind of funny looking, but it's okay the black guy's awesome, and his sister's kind of hot. That's why we're sticking around.

Oh yeah and because of the mystery... wait... what mystery? Will we ever find out if the cops find out that Dexter did it?

You know, I really don't care.

I'm sorry but this is the end of the road for me. I've jumped off the ship.

Here's how I could tell I didn't like Dexter anymore:

I DID OTHER THINGS WHILE I WAS WATCHING IT.

"Hmmm, I'm watching Dexter, I guess I can leave it running while I go make myself a sandwhich, I mean I'm not going to miss anything. What's going to happen?"

"You know, I haven't checked my Facebook in about fifteen minutes, I should do that, while Dexter is running. ANYTHING to kill the time."

"Man, I wonder if I could watch TWO shows at once. Just put Dexter on mute and then play an episode of Dinosaurs. LOL. That baby insists that his father is NOT the mamma."

So there you have it, I've tossed Dexter aside on the big pile of Showtime shows that seem to be missing something.

Brotherhood, The Tudors, Californication... and now Dexter.

What's up Showtime? Why haven't you found that secret ingredient that takes a show from 'interesting premise' to 'being good'?

Please tell me that season 3 of Dexter is the best thing to ever hit television since television hit us, because you know, I will totally get on that...

When does Heroes get good again?

Dear Tim Kring,

You keep telling us how Heroes will be good again. You promised that last season around episode 11 you would have mended what was wrong. Then when that never came to pass you promised us, really really promised us that Season 3 would be back in the saddle again, kicking ass taking names.

Tim, I don't believe you.

Season 3 sucks balls.

When exactly does it 'get good again' cause at the moment it still sucks. It's not 'oooh Peter Patrelli is in Ireland' bad, but it's still bad.

I've heard that it gets good again, I'm only up to episode 7, but word on the street is it gets better.

Well, you know what. That's been the word on the street since the Season 1 finale. Remember when everybody said "wow, i wonder how they're going to live up to that first season?"

And then remember how you let EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD DOWN?

Somebody should tell your writers that you don't need to fit EVERY SINGLE FREAKING CHARACTER into EVERY SINGLE FREAKING EPISODE. It's not a Reunion Special. This is the show, we can cope without seeing them for a couple of episodes.

Look, I'm not saying go back and look at what you did right in Season 1, because let's face it if Season 2 and 3 have taught us anything it's that Season 1 was a lot worse than we first thought. Go back and watch the first season of Lost. You might notice something. It's called 'character development'. They focus each episode around a different character each week. It was really quite good.

Tim, imagine if people could say that about your show again.

Imagine if you traveled to the future and just once the world wasn't going to end AGAIN and instead this future predicted that people actually liked Heroes again.

That would be a twist nobody would see coming.

That's more like it HBO.

I blog a lot about HBO, but that's because they piss me off so damn often that I'm like the kid at the back of the classroom who can't stop staring at the girl no matter how many times she gives hiim the finger.

But here finally HBO haven't let me down... okay so they kind of let me down. But let's get to the news first:

HBO have teamed up with Jerry "The Blockbuster" Bruckheimer to bring us a show called Cocaine Cowboys about the 1980's drug trade in Miami...

Okay, I know this isn't exactly Rome level excitement, or Deadwood level 'oh man that sounds cool' or even Carnivale sized 'that looks like an interesting idea', but at least it isn't a show starring Phantom Planet's drummer, or about a guy with a massive dong.

Sure, it seems like a show more suited to FX but what can we do? This is HBO we're talking about; small steps are better than giant leaps backwards *cough* True Blood *cough*.

Merry Christmas

... for yesterday.

Christmas is a time of giving, and of Christmas Specials.

What would be your dream Christmas Special?

Because mine would go a little something like this:

CROSS OVER EPISODE.

Oh sweet, a cross over episode, they're always good, but between what shows?

Well, obviously you've got to keep it within the same network so I'm going to go with NBC's Christmas Special Combo.

The Office. The folks at Dunder-Mifflin are having a Christmas party BUT IT'S BEING CRASHED BY SOME OUT OF TOWNERS.

The Cast of Heroes show up. They do some jokes about having super powers and Dwight makes a pass at the cheerleader only to then talk to camera about how:

"I can't be harmed either. It's a Shrute family tradition. We create a cocktail of beets and bears blood and we drink it in the winter time. I am invinsible."

But that's not enough. How could that be enough Christmas Crossover?

You also need a murder to happen. A CHRISTMAS MURDER.

A local Santa is found dead in the Dunder-Mifflin dumsters. It looks as though it was the work of some super hero (currently in town for whatever retarded plot twisted Tim Kring thinks up this week).

So who do you call in from the NBC line up?

Well, I'm sure you're thinking "Law & Order??" or "Law & Order: SVU??" No. Of course not. that's just silly. You call in Charlie Cruise and the team from Life.

YEAH BOY! ... Lord knows they need a cross over with a better rating show, which with Life's current ratings really could be ANY other show.

So Charlie Crews goes about his quirky detecting and Dwight talks to camera about how:

"I'm a detective. Certified. I've got the certificate right here. I carry it every where I go. I've taken on twelve cases. All now closed." He smirks at camera.

Charle Crews gets the cast of Heroes in the conference room and goes through them one by one. Giving a quirky look and eating fruit in front of Peter Patrelli, who sooks about it. Then he does it to Nathan Patrelli, who is boring and completely unnessary to the continuation of any plot ever. Then he does it to Claire, who's moody and should really go back to jumping off buildings.

But he finds out who did it... IT WAS SYLAR.

Well, of course it was.

The Heroes leave because somebody has become aware of YET ANOTHER FUTURE where the WORLD ENDS YET AGAIN. Then the Dunder-Mifflin crew go back to standing around awkwardly while Michael makes an ass of himself.

And then Charlie Crews goes back to doing what he does best... being quirky... and a cop... and on a low rating television program which is a lot better than you think it is... by which I mean it's a lot better than everything else on NBC... which isn't a comedy...

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

Hey Dad...! was on television for a long time.

Wikipedia is great. Wikipedia teaches you wonderful things like what the top five disasters involving sports stadiums are, or the complete back story of every muppet ever created, and then sometimes you stumble across the Wiki page for Hey Dad...!

I remember watching a lot of Hey Dad...! back in the day, but I also remember being fairly retarded as well, so it all balances out.

For example: did you know there were 291 episodes of Hey Dad...! 291! Two. Hundred. And. Ninety. One. That's over one hundred more episodes than Seinfeld... that's forty more episodes than M*A*S*H! I didn't think anything ran for longer than M*A*S*H! But Hey Dad...! did!

I'm trying to think back to Hey Dad...! in my mind and all I can think is:
"Mr. Kelly, Mr. Kelly!"

And that's all I've got. That's all Hey Dad...! is to me. That and Late Show jokes about the little fat kid.

Wiki also tells us that the final episode (at least according to Wiki, which is about as credible as saying 'the old crazy guy down the road told me...') went like this:
In the series finale, the entire family is confined to the house with a fugitive bank robber holding the characters hostage. The robber places a bomb in the family's VCR, as leverage with the police. The bomb presumably detonates, at which point the cast break the fourth wall to thank the studio audience.

What.

The Kelly family blows up?

Really?

The whole Kelly family and Betty are taken hostage and then are BLOWN UP by a robber who PLACES A BOMB in the family's VCR??

Seriously?

Man, where's YouTube when you need it... oh, it's right here, and a search of 'Hey Dad finale' backs up Wikipedia's story.

It ended with the Kelly's being taken hostage and a bomb being placed in the VCR than then blows up.

Seriously. What.

More fun facts: Hey Dad...! is the only show that since the advent of DVD technology to be retarded enough to release a Best Of series instead of Season 1 etc. In fact, they released The Best Of... part 1 AND part 2. Yeah, awesome. That's what we want: a clip show.

Thanks Hey Dad...! produces you really know how to market something. In fact the only place where Season 1 of Hey Dad...! is available in full on DVD is in ... Germany.

What.

Was there a huge German market for jokes about dumb red heads and fat kids? And gags about how Nudge needs to borrow the milk. That's what Nudge did right? He borrowed milk a lot?

You know the worst part of all this? I now have a sudden urge to watch Hey Dad...! ... and Acropolis Now ... and All Together Now... and boy Australian sitcoms were bad... like Caroline In The City bad... like Dave's World bad.

Man, Dave's World. Now if only I could find a copy of Dave's World & Hey Dad...! & Suddenly Susan and I could have myself a marathon of awesome!

FOX orders werewolf show... world shakes head in disbelief.

So FOX have ordered a pilot for a show about a group of women who all happen to be werewolves... and it's title? Why it's called 'Bitches'.

That's like calling a show about male vampires 'Cocksuckers'.

Calling women bitches isn't new, men have been doing it since the beginning of... OH WAIT I GET IT IT'S CAUSE THEY WILL BE ALL FEMALE WEREWOLVES! AND AS EVERYBODY KNOWS A FEMALE WOLF IS CALLED A ... She-Wolf.

The good news is at least FOX is lining up its shows that it's going to cancel for next season already. It's always good to get a jump on these things.

Not that I'm suggesting there's anything wrong with a show about a group of four female New Yorkers who turn into werewolves on the full moon, I'm simply saying that... wait... that's exactly what I'm saying.

At least now we know what FOX has planned to fill the timeslot made open when it cancels Dollhouse next year...

HBO just doesn't care anymore.

HBO, I hate you.

It's official, I just plain don't like you anymore. I know our relationship has been rocky these last few years, you know what you did I don't need to remind you again, but you've just got to keep rubbing salt in the wound don't you?

First you greenlight the show about the guy who has a massive dong AND DOES NOTHING ELSE OF INTEREST and then you're all about picking up another pair of comedies.

One of the fresh hot new shows is Bored To Death which is about, get this, a writer/drinker who becomes a private investigator. And with Jason "Phantom Planet" Schwartzman as the lead I'm sure it won't be remotely quirky or pretentious at all.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you're freaking HBO dudes. You're HBO. HBO. Doesn't that mean anything anymore? Look, I love Flight Of The Conchords but is that really a HBO show. Come on. There is nothing 'historical' or 'epic' about Flight Of The Conchords. It's weird, it's quirky, and yeah it's funny, but come on guy's you're HBO. You're bigger than the 'Chords.

And what's the second big announcement? Why it's called 'How To Make It In America' and it's from Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch of Guys Who Brought Us 'Entourage'.

Hey, guys who brought us Entourage, I've got an idea for you: How about you fix Entourage? I mean, it's awesome that the shows stagnated in it's fifth season but it might be worth your while to make that show good again before you go and MAKE THE SAME DAMN SHOW.

How To Make It In America is about a group of twenty something guys who try to achieve the American dream, but get this for a twist: it's set in New York. Holy shit bags. Somebody call the originality police cause we've got ourselves a runner.

While I'm actually pretty sure both shows will be funny, I don't care. You know why because that's not HBO. That's not the HBO I fell in love with.

I don't tune in to HBO becuase they rebroadcast Extras or Summer Heights High (why???). I don't tune it to catch Curb Your Enthusiasm or more Curb Your Enthusiasm. I like it when they make big ass blow your pants off historical epics with heaps of swearing in them.

I haven't closed the door on my 'BO yet because The Pacific is just around the corner and we're still all praying A Game Of Thrones actually arrives, but so help me god if you cancel that after two seasons because 'the ratings don't justify the budget' there will be boots in asses.

Still not convinced people actually like Big Bang Theory.

So I find one of them, one of those 'people that like Big Bang Theory', I find one of them in real life and I say 'why?' They tell me it's because it's funny.

I say 'sure, I hear that it's hilarious, but I don't get it.'

"No," they say, "it's not hilarious. It's just funny."

They continue: "I know people like that, and they have arguments about equations and shit. That's why it's funny."

Maybe this is where it loses me. My problem initially with the pilot is that I didn't buy that these guys were real nerds. They seemed to be like some hack writers pretend idea of what nerds act like. They were talking about equations and star wars shampoo and I just didn't buy it. I'm a nerd and I don't argue about equations.

But person from real life wasn't the only one to use the 'they're just like the nerds I know' argument. Person from blog comment did as well.

Lumo said: "I love the scientific accuracy of the science-oriented geeky comments of the main characters..."

Maybe they're presenting a different type of nerd. A different breed of geek. A sub-species of dweeb that I have yet to come in contact with.

This still isn't enough to convince me to watch the show - that it happens to be about geeks that I don't believe exist in real life but that other (obviously more geek savvy) folks have come across.

I'm still willing to give it another shot. I mean TV Gal gave an honorable mention to BBT in her top ten shows of the week, and I take TV Gal's word as gospel what with her showing me the light on How I Met Your Mother and with her being such a mega Mad Men, 30 Rock and The Office fan.

But STILL I sit here not fully ready to commit to the Big Bang Theory. I just don't believe anybody. I'm still yet to be convinced that it's worth my investment.

CONVINCE ME WORLD.

CONVINCE ME... with something other than "Kaley Cuoco is hot y'all!" I mean, she's alright, but she's no Rachelle Lefevre.

HBO, what the hell is wrong with you?

So HBO has given a ten episode order to Hung.

'What's Hung?' you ask. Why it's HBO's new "dark" comedy series about a guy with a massive cock.

Notice people always say 'dark' comedy when they mean 'comedy you won't actually laugh at'.

But seriously, it's a show about a guy with a big dick. Wow. Thanks HBO. You know this makes up for you canceling Deadwood on us.

WE FORGIVE YOU BECAUSE YOU SO GENEROUSLY GAVE US A SHOW HAS THE PLOT 'A MAN HAS A BIG DONG AND THEN DOES THINGS'

And it's Thomas Jane, a poor man's Aaron Eckhart, who gets to have the big wanger. That's awesome. That's like the perfect show. We could not have asked for anything more.

What are you doing? Is this your return to classy great television? Is this your new Sopranos? The show about the guy with a massive chopper?

Do you just take the first pitch of the day? Do you all sit there and dread a day full of meetings so you just take the first offer that walks through the door?

"Okay, it's a poorly drawn cartoon."

"DEAL! We'll call it The Life & Times Of Tim and it will be forgettable! DONE!"

Next day you walk in a guy says he wants to make a show about a guy who has a doodle like a horse and you're like:

"Fine. I want to go to my golf game. That sounds good to me. MAKE IT. WE'RE HBO! WE CAN DO WHAT WE WANT."

Remember how all those Carnivale fans were upset because they never got any closure? Well, thank god you're making a show about a guy with a massive prick and they can all now rest easy.

It's a good thing you didn't renew Rome for a third season cause then you wouldn't have had any room for the SHOW about the GUY who has a MASSIVE PENIS, YOU IDIOTS.

More new TV coming our way!

So Mid-Season is right around the corner in the US and you know what that means?

Mid-Season replacements! Oh those glorious shows that are far more likely to get canceled than the shows that debuted in the falls. *cough* Eli Stone *cough*.

What's heading our way this season?

Well from ABC we've got:
Castle (March 9th)

OH SWEET A SHOW ABOUT A CASTLE... oh it's about guy who's name is Castle.

OH SWEET IT'S ABOUT AN AUTHOR WHO WRITES MURDER MYSTERIES... but then he kills his main character and this upsets a fan of the series who then starts killing people the same way they died in the books... so, it's Misery meets Copycat?

Well, if there were two mid-90's movies that I couldn't get enough of it was those two.

BUT: it stars Nathan "Firefly" Fillion so you know, I'm obviously going to watch it.



Cupid (March 24th)

ABC are also bringing us a remake of Cupid... you remember the original Cupid right? It starred Jeremy Piven and nobody saw it... except for like a bunch of dude's online who call it one of those 'shows that should never have been canceled but it was so we'll cry about it forever' shows.

So ABC being the geniuses they are decided to resurrect a show that was canceled the first time round - IT WILL DEFINITELY NOT BE CANCELED THIS TIME AS WELL.

The Unusuals (April 8th)

Finally ABC are bringing us the Unusuals, which is being called a 'comic procedural'. And if there's anything that works really well in the history of television it's funny cop shows.

Seriously though, it looks kind of interesting... but only because Adam Goldberg is in it, he's always so wacky playing the best friend in everything how can he not be great playing the best friend in this!















CBS are going to bring us the show I'm most looking forward to:

Harper's Island (April 9th)

It's a horror style drama where each of the characters die one by one (now if only Heroes could take up that plot idea...)

But it is coming to CBS.

And isn't about somebody solving a crime through the use of his mental prowess, forensic science, whispering to ghosts, forensic science, old case reports, forensic science, regular science, numbers, or being in the navy so it's probably going to get canceled quicker than you can say 'Kid Nation'.

Lie To Me (Jan 21)

FOX give us Lie To Me, it's about, GET THIS, it's about this guy who's like a human lie detector, and that's how he beats the crims.

Man, I wonder if he's going to be super quirky.

Boy, I sure hope he does. Cause I really like shows with a super quirk protagonist.

Especially ones starring Tim Roth.

Nothing says "I want to tune in every week because the star is a magnetic television presence" like Tim Roth.






Dollhouse (Feb 13)

Yes, it's nearly here. Joss is back. Fanboys everywhere rejoice. What exactly it's about, who can honestly be sure. But you know... it's Joss Whedon people! Joss Whedon!

Man, this is going to be so great!

It's going to be on FOX right?

Man, this is going to be so cancelled!

Kings (March 19)

And finally NBC will be giving us Kings part way through March.

It's a contemporary drama based on the biblical tale of King David, and if that didn't make you go 'WTF' wait until you find out who it stars:

Christopher "Home & Away" Egan. Yeah, the dude who plays David used to be on Home & Away... like not that long ago either so he doesn't score Isla Fischer style immunity.

On the other hand though it does star Ian "Deadwood" McShane, and if you could marry a man's voice I would marry that man's voice. It would probably end in divorce when I wake up from my drunken stupor and figure out that I married a man's voice, but before I come to that realization it will have been a happy marriage. Wait, what am I talking about?

Oh that's right. TV.

What are you looking forward to the most?

Because for me it aint really Dollhouse. I know, I know. I suck. But I'm really looking forward to Harper's Island. Go figure that one out.

Apparently there's this show called Prison Break...

I may be like three years behind the times but I just caught the first two episodes of this so called 'Prison Break' television program.

Back in the day there was a lot of fuss surrounding the ol' P B and I managed to avoid most of it by not tuning in. Yeah, take that Prison Break! ... and House... and well all those other shows I didn't watch despite being told how awesome they were.

But here I am now catching up on what others have already seen and talked about and... what exactly was I missing?

I know I'm four seasons late saying this but first thoughts:
Whoever wrote this has never seen or heard of a prison in real life have they?

Second thoughts:
Man, they must have watched Shawshank a bunch of times.

Third thoughts:
Like a BUNCH of times, what's with everybody calling the new guy 'fish', and there being an old guy with a pet, and there being a black guy who can get you anything you need, and there being a dangerous queer.

Fourth thoughts:
Seriously, how can somebody have watched Shawshank this many times and still missed the point of it. Shawshank isn't about a jail break, it's about freedom. This show is about a jail break.

Fifth thoughts:
What's with the conspiracy? Who cares who shot the vice-presidents brother, or if it was a cover up, or if it wasn't a cover up, or if IT'S ONLY THE VICE-PRESIDENTS BROTHER!

Sixth thoughts:
Oh boy, I hope he gets the bolt out of the chair! This is getting nerve racking.

Seventh thoughts:
The pilot was directed by Brett "Rush Hour" Ratner? No wonder it was so underwhelming. Nothing says 'not up to high quality standards' like hiring the Rat-attack.

Eighth thoughts:
That doesn't really look like a map of the prison... no matter how much I squint my eyes.

Ninth thoughts:
Man, I know they're in prison but somebody buy these guys a sense of humour.

Tenth thoughts:
I have had at least nine too many thoughts about Prison Break. Especially with everybody else already having had these thoughts in 2005.

This reminds me of the time I met Don Burke.

So apparently, according to TVTonight anyway, Don Burke is back in talks with Channel 9. Good on ya Nine, that's just what this country needs an old guy hosting a show about gardening. That'll turn your ratings around.

Remember when you axed Don? Remember that time? When he was a Channel 9 institution and you gave him the boot because he wasn't performing in the ratings like you would have liked. And then remember how you guys haven't performed in the ratings at all since then except for Two & A Half Men RERUNS. When reruns are the top rating program on your station you're doing more than a couple of things wrong.

Yeah, but good on ya. Give Don another shot. You know we all miss road tests and 'hooroo' and all that business about being home among gum trees, with lots of plum trees.

A sheep, or two.
A kangaroo.
A clothes line out the back.
A verander out the front.
And an old rocking chair.

Classic. Absolute bloody classic.

All this talk of The Don reminds me of the time I met Don Burke. And by 'met' I mean 'saw'. I saw Don Burke one time. Wandering around Castle Towers (which is a shopping mall despite the fact it sounds like a bad Goosebumps book... is there any other kind?) and there he was. Big Donny Burkester sitting around having coffee with old people.

We didn't walk over and say hello, or even wave and say hello from a distance, we just spotted him and said 'hey look it's Don Burke, he's talking to old people... I bet he's talking about some kind of plant... or even a particular breed of cat.'

AND HE PROBABLY WAS.

Why do people like The Big Bang Theory?

Seriously, I'd really like to know. I don't get it. By which I mean: oh, I get it - it aint that subtle, but I don't get why you like it?

I was sitting around at work and two people started up a conversation about the BBT talking about how it was so hilarious and they really loved Sheldon.

All I could think was 'really? you like it enough to remember character names?'

In the history of disposable sitcoms the list is topped by this and Dave's World.

I suppose if it's on you might sit through it to get to something better, but people actually tune in to this stuff. You know the worst part? It rates better than How I Met Your Mother.

I get that people like Family Guy, I understand how somebody could learn to love King Of The Hill, I suppose. You want to tune in to Rules Of Engagement, sure I can see why you would do that.

But The Big Bang Theory? Really? Haven't your DVD copies of Cavemen arrived in the mail yet?

I'm seriously asking. If anybody can give me one good reason how you could possibly like The Big Bang Theory I'll give it another shot.

I won't eat my proverbial hat, but I will give you, the person with the questionable taste, the benefit of the doubt and I will try The Big Bang Theory again.

I know I'm just asking for a reason to put myself through another 20 minutes of third rate 'we have star wars shampoo because we're geeks getit?' jokes but then again I feel pretty safe in my opinion the BBT is awful and will remain awful until it awfully ends six awful seasons from awful now.

Guest Stars ... On The Office?

So everybody and their dog are reporting that Jack Black, Jessica Alba and that old lady who appears in a lot of things and who Americans call 'beloved' and we call 'who the fudge bag is that?' are guest starring on the post Super Bowl episode of The Office.

What the hell The Office? Since when did you become 30 Rock.

I know, 30 Rock's awesome, but what's with all the damn cameos? "Oh look I just met Oprah, here she is in my show." Good one Tina Fey, can you get back to what we like about this show?

"You mean, more Jennifer Aniston?" No, I dont'.

Cameos for the sake of cameos aren't awesome. All you're ever left with is an episode based around the idea that Jennifer Aniston showed up. Nobody cares about Jennifer Aniston on 30 Rock, we want to see more of the writers... yeah, remember those cast members that you don't show anymore because for some reason Jack & Liz going to the moon is the plot of this weeks episode and Pete stuck with one line six episodes ago.

So The Office which has refrained from doing the Will & Grace dance of throwing a cameo into every single frame of it's show is bringing Jack "He's Not Really Black" Black and Jennifer "Wait You Mean You Also Find Her Hot" Alba on board.

Apparently they're appearing as themselves in a bootleg copy of a film the Dunder-Mifflin crew get a hold off, and that sits okay with me. Cameos work when they're somewhat unexpected.

James Cameron appears on Entourage and you go 'holy shit, that's James Cameron.'

Some young up and coming actress appears on Entourage and you go 'of course you do.'

Sean Connery appears at the end of Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves and you go 'that's the best cameo of all time'.

Heather Locklear appears on Scrubs and you go 'okay that's it, i'm officially no longer watching scrubs until they pull their heads out of their collective arses.'

AND I NEVER DID AGAIN.

So as long as this is it, as long as it's just Jack Black in a pretend movie and John Cleese doesn't rock up for six episode guest stint I think we're going to be okay...

Although - John Cleese in a six episode guest stint as the head of the British branch of Dunder-Mifflin = FIFTH BEST CAMEO EVER.

Rove Going To The US Of A?

With news that Rove is going to host a one night only look back at the year 2008 special for ABC hands up all those that couldn't be happier for the guy.

We'll finally be rid of him!

Only kidding. But not really, of course.

Why would America want Rove? The guy's mediocre by our standards and our standards made Chris Lilley a star.

There's nothing wrong with the guy but he does bland better than a eighth grade marching band interpretation of Green Sleeves. If ABC really want their look back at the year 2008 to be conducted by a guy who stole his act from Jay Leno than that's... oh... I see.

Could this be all because of the Jay-dog? Could the ABC be trying out prospective late night hosts now that Jay Leno is coming to prime time? Are they grooming him as a Leno rival if NBC's Jay Five Nights A Week During Prime Time takes off (which it won't.)

Or are they doing us a favour? Is this all part of Barack Obama's plan to make the world feel better about America? Are they going to countries and taking away celebrities that we've had enough of?

Because if that's the case I'm pretty sure Andrew O'Keefe would be perfect for an American version of ... um ... I don't know, do you have anything with a lot of gorging in it? Cause I could see the O'Keefester getting gorged. That'd be good television.

As for Rove though, if you really want him you can have him, you know he'll probably be as successful as the US version of Thank God You're Here...

The Ten Dumbest Shows In My Top 100

There are some shows in my Top 100 that others would consider 'dumb', like say Kid Nation but that I'm not willing to concede to the 'dumb' category. To be 'dumb' I have to look at it and go 'yeah, you know what, that's pretty dumb, what's wrong with me'.

45 - American Idol

What.

Why would I think that American Idol is the 45th Best Show Of All Time. What is wrong with me? Am I a spazmo? Is that it? Am I suffering from severe spazmitis? I feel ashamed that it's on the list at all, but you know... it's like heroin.

The worst part:
American Idol is in front of Dexter

54 - Heroes

I know. Season One right? You think I'm embarrassed by the fact I have Heroes at number 54 on the list of all time greatest television shows? Yeah, well it used to be Top 25... I know. I know. I should die.

The worst part:
Heroes is in front of Seinfeld

59 - Carpoolers

Carpoolers was a dumb sitcom. There's no denying that. Most of the time it wasn't funny at all, and I openly hated two of the lead characters (Yeah, you Jerry O'Connell who appears more often in my Top 100 than he really should be allowed to) but for some reason thanks to my brain constructing this list of Top 100 shows around 'what have I watched recently' and not 'what was good when I watched it' there it is.

The worst part:
Carpoolers is in front of The Mighty Boosh

65 - Gossip Girl

According to this list (which isn't based in science or fact, and only appears on my Facebook account) there are only 64 shows in the world better than Gossip Girl, despite the fact we humans know that every show in the world is better than Gossip Girl.

Television doesn't get dumber than when Chuck Bass is speaking.

The worst part:
Gossip Girl is in front of Monty Python's Flying Circus

73 - Beauty & The Geek

In the history of dumbass reality shows it's Beauty & The Geek and Date My Mom that top the list. Was it the shitty challenges or the contrived over edited drama that really got me to place it so high on this list? Will we ever know the answer to any of these rhetorical questions?

The worst part:
Beauty & The Geek is in front of South Park

87 - Sliders

Sliders is only on this list because I remember it from my childhood. Having rewatched the first season I have come to this conclusion: 15 year old me had shit for brains.

The worst part:
Sliders is in front of The Awful Truth

88 - LAX

Television doesn't get dumber than Heather Locklear as the head of an airport, but for some reason LAX wasn't really that bad.... actually it was THAT bad, like the episode where the SWAT team shot up the control tower for no real reason, or really ANY of the episodes, but you know I'd rather watch LAX than The Wire... speaking of which:

The worst part:
LAX is in front of The Wire

95 - Man Stroke Woman

Man Stroke Woman makes it onto this list because the person who recommended to me has great taste in British comdies, so when he gave me this British comedy that is far from fun and basically the same three jokes over and over again I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Man Stroke Woman is at number 95 because I'm afraid to stand up to my peers.

The worst part:
Man Stroke Woman is in front of Black Books

98 - Funky Squad

Now, I'm a major Working Dog/D-Gen fan boy. I'll even watch their stupid fishing program but I draw the line at Funky Squad. Somebody forgot to add the jokes. I know the whole joke is that it's a really badly made 70s cop drama but it'd be nice to have something to laugh at once in a while.

The worst part:
Funky Squad is in front of John Safran's Music Jamboree

99 - That's My Bush!

From the creative geniuses behind South Park comes a live action sitcom about George W. Bush, only it isn't about George W. Bush at all - it's about sitcom cliches. So if you're willing to watch a show that is about how stupid bad sitcoms are well then strap yourself in. If on the other hand you're well aware that sitcoms are bad and you don't need the incredibly subtle hands of Trey Parker & Matt Stone smacking you over the head with a mallet about it, steer clear.

The worst part:
That's My Bush! is in front of Daria

In conclusion: I'm retarded.

Cable Network Branding

Cable networks, more than regular normal every day networks, are all about the branding.

Sure CBS may say to you - CRIME SHOWS - but it's so much more than just crime shows. NBC may say - ILL-ADVISED REMAKE OF A 70'S SCIENCE FICTION SHOW NOBODY CARES ABOUT - but that doesn't apply to The Office.

Whereas with cable networks it's all about the brand.

TBS has the slogan 'very funny' it's also filled with light blues and whites and let's take a stab in the dark over what kind of brand TBS wants to be? Could it be... comedy...???

Now when you want to create a brand, like TBS obviously does, you need the product to support your brand. When they show 10 Items Or Less it hurts their brand. TBS isn't about quality comedy when it comes to 10 Items Or Less - it's about laugh less comedy that looks like it was made by your cousin in his backyard.

But when TBS makes My Boys, TBS becomes about quality comedy again.

And that's where the cable networks hook you. The network becomes the brand. You like My Boys, well then you'll like the other shows on our network.

TNT claim that they know DRAMA but what they actually know is DRAMA HEADLINED BY SOMEBODY YOU SAW IN A MOVIE ONE TIME.

See The Closer starring that chick from Singles, or Saving Grace starring that lady from Raising Arizona, or Leverage starring ... that guy from... okay if you can figure out what you know Timothy Hutton from let me know.

But they're all from the same pool. Serious drama based around the lead character.

TNT doesn't same 'ensemble firefighter drama' it says 'legal drama following the exploits of Oliver Platt'.

USA is all about the 'quirk'. You think that it's a coincidence the four big dramas on USA are all kind of quirky?

Monk, Psych, Burn Notice, In Plaint Sight.

Quirky detective solves crime. Quirky detective solves crime. Quirky spy solves crime. Quirky witness protection agent ... solves crime?? who knows.

Drama with a good dose of comedy - that's USA.

You like Psych? Here, enjoy a Burn Notice - it's basically the same thing but with spy stuff.

SHOWTIME is all about the sex. Maybe not everybody will be having sex at all minutes of the day, but boy will it be sexy... or at least that's what Showtime would like to think.

Californication
The L Word
Secret Diary Of A Call Girl
Have you seen the ad campaign for Weeds? It's all about the misinformed idea that everybody wants to fuck Mary Louise Parker.

The Tudors on HBO would be all about the epic historic nature of what's going on, on Showtime it's all about Henry getting his shirt off and fucking something.

Even Dexter is all about being sexy while being a serial killer.

Want to know why Brotherhood doesn't really work on Showtime? It isn't sexy. No matter how hard they try to make it sexy, it fails.

But this is all branding. You like sexy shows, then you'll love Showtime, we've got the sexiest shows you've ever seen.

Unless you don't like sexy shows, in which case we've got some of the most pretentious shows you've ever seen.

Branding is important, unless you break your brand.

The HBO brand is broken. HBO used to mean Quality Television.

But then it meant John From Cincinnati and HBO doesn't mean quality anymore.

Every show HBO makes should be reinforcing the brand, and that's always the hope. You make Rome because in HBO's mind it means QUALITY. You make Band Of Brothers and it screams QUALITY.

By positioning yourself as the home of quality drama it allows you to sneak a few under the radar. Big Love can mean QUALITY if it's surrounded by other quality programs, but if Big Love is surrounded by John From Cincinnati and The Comeback and True Love it doesn't mean QUALITY anymore, it means Showtime.

HBO was all about big budgets and quality drama, when you've got small shows like In Treatment or Tell Me You Love Me you lose the brand.

HBO needs A Song Of Ice & Fire and the Band Of Brothers follow up The Pacific more than it needs anything else right now because they both return the image of HBO to where it belongs.

FX, as I've made clear, is my cable network of choice at the moment because FX (to me) means watchable drama. What FX wants it to mean is EDGY.

But it's all about the brand. You like Coke? Try Vanilla Coke, you'll probably like this as well.

You like Rescue Me? You'll like Sons Of Anarchy. You like Sons Of Anarchy? You'll like Damages.

By have strong shows that fit into the brand it allows viewership to expand. I watch Damages, and get hooked into FX, so I check out Sons Of Anarchy, that leads me to Rescue Me. I love Rescue Me and that leads me further down the path.

I've never before in my life ever been interested in The Shield, because I've seen it as yet another cop drama, but BASED SOLELY ON THE OTHER SHOWS I'VE WATCHED ON FX, I want to check it out.

If The Shield is as great as everybody says it only enhances the brand in my eyes further.

Sure FX sometimes goes down the Showtime route with shows like Dirt and The Riches, and Nip/Tuck has a definate Showtime feel about it. But the majority of the shows support the brand idea that FX is EDGY.

The brand is only valuable if the product is worthwhile. So while HBO was making good shows the HBO brand was invaluable, the quality of programs on HBO drops and the value drops. It used to be that if a new show came out from HBO you'd jump in and give it chance cause it was from the guys that brough you The Sopranos and Deadwood, but that's not what HBO means anymore.

AMC doesn't count because it only shows Mad Men and Breaking Bad, but if they score another couple of Mad Men style dramas watch it rocket up this list past HBO and FX to be number one. AMC is in the position to brand itself as a quality drama network, and already with Mad Men alone it has positioned itself as: CLASSY.

So, stay CLASSY AMC.

Sometimes A Boring Job Is Just A Boring Job

TV shows, or at least good TV shows, like to fill the drama with 'information'. Whether it's The West Wing trying to pass a bill to ban guns, or whether it's Deadwood talking about the power lines coming into town.

Filling the story with 'information' adds to the realism. Toby can talk to Josh about a thousand different varieties of guns that are being sold on the street, and Charlie can talk to Toby about the type of bullet that was used to kill his mum, and CJ can complain that there's a type of gun on the market that's being sold only on the streets of Harlem and the streets of Baghdad.

The types of guns don't matter. It's just information used to fill in the gaps around the drama. The drama is that the bill might not get passed and Josh has to yell at a few guys, or CJ breaks down in the press room, or Charlie and the President share a moment. That's the drama, the gun stuff is just filler.

Like in Deadwood, who cares about the power lines coming to town. Who cares about the new bank opening or what accounts need to be kept at the hardware store. It's all just filler. Filler isn't important but that doesn't mean that it can't be interesting. Now, sometimes it can be interesting and sometimes the filler can be... well... the filler they use in Brotherhood.

Brotherhood is a Sopranos wannabe gangster show about Irish gangsters. Jason Isaacs plays Michael Caffee who's a gangster and his brother is a congressman. So Congressman brother is busy trying to pass a highway bill so that the highway doesn't go through his part of town. Because, you see, if it goes through his part of town the shops in his part of town will be shut down and...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh I'm sorry, that was just the filler. Right. Sorry. I shouldn't have just drifted off there.

Okay, so to get the highway moved to a different part of town he has to get the other congressmen to join him. How can he do that? Why he makes them an offer they can't refuse! Yeah, that's right, he offers them... snow plow contracts...

I mean. Come on. I know this just padding. I know this is all the filler information that doesn't mean anything and is just there to support the drama, but seriously? Snow plow contracts and highway bills coming to pass? That's what you're throwing at me?

Not every piece of filler information needs to be as riveting as the actual drama, but there's only so much talking about passing a highway bill we're willing to put up with before we switch off, especially with characters this dry.

I know you're gangsters and hardman, and life's real tough and everything - but crack a smile once in a while... even if it's only over a newly acquired snow plow contract.

John From Cincinnati Really Was The Worst Show Ever

Did anybody ever see this bullshit or was it really just me? John From Cincinnati was one of the worst shows ever made.

The worst part about JFC, and let's face it the whole thing was one big masshup of worst parts, it was from David Milch. Milchy had given the world Deadwood and we were all eternally grateful.

But then HBO in their all knowing wisdom canned Deadwood a season before Milchy said he was going to wrap it up, and as consolation prize Milch got to make mystery (??) show about surfers.

Now that's not necessarily the premise of an awful program, but let's take a look at the facts:

- It doesn't make any fucking sense.

Now, that's okay. That's fine. You can make no fucking sense. You're allowed to do that. Us using our brain to try and figure stuff out is great. Ooh look there's a mystery, let's figure this out together! That can make for great television.

So there's this guy, and he used to surf, and he's a granddad, and one day he's just floating in the air with no explanation. He doesn't know why. He's not even sure if he really is floating in the air. All he knows is that it's happening and he can't explain it.

Okay. Fine.

If that's where you want to take the show, alright. Let's go there.

Oh what's that? You've dropped that storyline.

Okay. Fine.

So then we have fourteen year old Shauny Yost. He gets into a surfing accident (you see they're all surfers, and if you think this is more interesting than swearing cowboys well then you sir don't know what you're talking about) and he breaks his neck.

Shauny breaks his neck and ends up in hospital.

While in hospital Ed O'Neill sneaks his pet bird into his room and the bird kisses Shauny on the nose and Shauny's broken neck is cured.

Alright.

If that's what you want. Why? We dont know. It's a freaking mystery.

But there's a difference between a mystery and bullshit, and John From Cincinnati is six parts bullshit a tea spoon of mystery.

Admittedly I stopped watching after about episode 6 or 7, but probably more like 5, so the whole thing may get wrapped up in the best three episodes of television ever, but you know what? I'm going to take a gamble and say that it didn't.

Need more proof that John From Cincinatti is the worst show ever, take this Wikipedia description of Episode 9:

Shaun goes missing, and it is posited that John may be a robot.

Really.

I Watch Too Much TV

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

I have a problem. I watch too much TV.

Or rather: I plan to watch too much TV.

You know how I know I watch (or plan to watch) too much TV? Because I have a list of shows that fall into more than just a couple of categories.

Let's start with the stuff I'm not actually watching:

Shows I Decided I Want To Watch Again But Haven't Yet Gotten Around To Even Starting

Deadwood

Oh man, I love Deadwood. I love Deadwood so much that I've actually convinced myself that I will have time to watch it for a second time. Which is never going to happen.

Carnivale

I've seen the first season of this bizarre HBO circus fest, but never got to watch the second season. The plan: Start the whole thing over from the first season and watch it all the way through. The current situation: It sits there. Unwatched.

New Shows That I've Gotten My Hands On Despite The Fact I've Already Got Enough Shows To Fill Two Primetime Schedules

Battlestar Galactica

People are always talking about how awesome this show is... I'm sorry you're saying something about 'finishing what you've started before you start something new'... yeah, I don't know what that means.

Mystery Science Theater 3000

I know, I fell into the trap that is the internet community. But when a TV show keeps popping up time and again sometimes you just force yourself to give it a shot... also, it's a show about a guy and some robots watching crappy horror movies and making fun of them... what's the problem with that?? ... the problem is that you also have to watch the whole crappy horror movie, so there's 90 minutes right there. I can't find time for sitcoms on my tv schedule and I've just thrown a show with a 90 minute running time and 198 episodes into the middle of it...

Shows People Keep Telling Me Are Really Good But I Just Don't See It

Burn Notice

Yeah, it's kind of fun I suppose. But don't you think the main guy's face is a little weird to look at for forty minutes? Yeah, Bruce Campbell is in it, but Bruce Campbell is in Army Of Darkness doesn't mean I want to watch that again - boomstick or no boomstick.

Reaper

It gets good around episode 14 does it?!? YEAH! WELL! I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU!!!

Shows People Keep Telling Me A Really Good, And I Believe Them, But I Still Can't Bring Myself To Watch Them

The Wire

I know. I know. The Wire is like the greatest show of all time. Every television critic has reminded me of this fact... but come on! Each episode goes for like an hour... I could watch two episodes of Kath & Kim in that time... wait... what.

Dexter

Over and over the voices would repeat: Dexter is the greatest show you will ever see in your life. This just in: if that's the case why do I find myself tuning out half way through an episode and going off to do something else, while I leave the show running in the background?

Spooks

Okay, so Spooks is pretty awesome. Second episode and BAM! they just kill one of the main characters. What other show does that? I literally sat up and paid attention. BUT it suffers from The Wire problem: each episode goes for an hour.

Brotherhood

It's like The Sopranos only with Irish guys. And who doesn't love the Irish? Nobody. Except Italians. But like a lot of these shows it just gets lost in the shuffle. It's unfortunate that often these 'high quality dramas' lose out in the shuffle to The Amazing Race, but that's how it is.

Shows I Don't Know Why The Fuck I'm Watching

Dinosaurs

I mean, really? Dinosaurs. It's awful. What is wrong with me? Other than a desperate need to feed my nostalgia what other possible reason could I have for watching FREAKING DINOSAURS?!

Boston Public

Okay, so back in the day I really liked the B'Pub, but on the rewatch it has some of the worst dialogue this side of Aaron Sorkin pretending that a show set behind the scenes at a sketch comedy program is politically important.
Sample: "Man, Mark Twain is dope." - JUST LIKE A REAL TEENAGER!!

Invasion

I have a thing about cancelled TV shows from back in the day. It's all about the premise. LAX - set in an airport. Reunion - every episode is a year in these characters lives. Invastion - aliens invade.

The problem is, every single one of these shows sucks. Majorly. They were cancelled with good reason. BUT, that doesn't stop me activiley seeking out: Deadline - set in a newspaper. First Monday - set on the supreme court. and Mister Sterling - set in a senator's office.

Funky Squad

So I have a thing for the D-Generation. Is that so wrong? Yes, I watched every episode of The Late Show... and Frontline... and even the old episodes of The D-Generation... but that still doesn't explain while I'm watching this jokeless parody of 70's cop shows now does it? I mean, Rob Sitch isn't even in it!!

Shows I'm Watching Cause I'm Moving To New Zealand Next Year

A Thousand Apologies

You see it's a sketch comedy program made by a group of minority comedians. Like most minority comedians they don't mention their ethnicity once during the show, and it's about regular every day activities that everybody engages in... by which I mean it's exactly the same as every ethnic comics routine ever.

Outrageous Fortune

It's a crime show, sort of. And a family show, a little bit. And it's set in New Zealand, so they say words funny. The highlight: the part where they say words funny.

Shows I Have Left Over From The New TV Season That I Haven't Killed Yet

Life On Mars

Oh Life On Mars, I know you just want to be put out of your misery, but I have to force myself to watch your second episode... and I don't know if I can ever do that. Speak to My Own Worst Enemy, they know what that feels like.

Kath & Kim (US)

This could also fit under: shows I don't know why the fuck I'm watching. But could also go under: shows I don't know why the fuck I'm watching because they're taking time away from The Wire.

Fringe

Yeah, I know. I declared 'BEST NEW SHOW OF THE SEASON' but you know, sometimes that's just a thing people say to convince themselves that every show that sat through wasn't a piece of crap.

Shows That Sit Near The DVD Player Taunting Me

The Circuit

Am I not good enough for you? Is that it? I'm an Australian drama that was actually engaging, and I've got Aboriginal people in me? Is that not important enough for you? Because I'm an important show, you really shouldn't treat me this way!

The Mighty Boosh

Hey watch this: fish hats made of felt frogs dancing on the moon of ice cream sundaes. rock song about a dog boy who's one possession is a penis made of ice cream sundaes. Come. Join us. You can say random things too!

A River Somewhere

Yeah, that's right. We're just a fishing show. A fishing show with the guys from D-Generation... why are you watching us? Is it because you're a massive fan boy? Is that it? Because honestly, we're a fishing show. What the hell is wrong with you?

Shows I Really Like But Got Stalled Somewhere Along The Way

Sons Of Anarchy

I really like Sons Of Anarchy, I mean, it's from FX. I'm a super mad FX fan boy. It stars GUY FROM UNDECLARED WHO'S NAME I DON'T KNOW and it's actually pretty good. So why did I just stop watching after episode 5?

Firefly

Yeah, I've seen Firefly before. I'm not some kind of idiot. Or at least I'm pretty sure I've seen Firefly before. Okay, you know what I think I may have missed an episode or two. Hence: Watching it again. Problem: Haven't gotten past episode 4.

Shows I've Just Started Watching Cause I'm An Idiot

The Regency House Party

Okay, so it's a British reality show that's supposed to be like the real life version of Pride & Prejudice. But you know what THEY JUST WANT TO FIND LOVE IS ALL!

Over There

It's set in Iraq and isn't as boring as Generation Kill, but why am I watching it? Two words: It's from FX and I'm an FX fanboy.

The Tudors

Because I like cable dramas, alright? Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to have to check out every single cable drama that has ever been made since the begining of time even if that means I have to watch shows from freaking Showtime?! IS IT?!

Shows I Watch Because It's 'Life On A Stick'

Life On A Stick

I watch this show because it's stupid YET for some reason also hilarious.

Shows My Girlfriend And I Would Totally Watch If We Weren't Watching Something Better

Heroes

Man, Heroes sucks. You know why anybody watches Heroes anymore? Because of the promise of something better.

Dirty Sexy Money

Man, Dirty Sexy Money sucks. You know why anybody watches Dirty Sexy Money anymore? They don't. Because it's been cancelled. Due to low ratings. Due to it sucking.

Gossip Girl

I watch more Gossip Girl than The Wire. I am a bad person.

90210

I watch more 90210 than The Wire. I am a really bad person.

Packed To The Rafters

I watch more Packed To The Rafters than The Wire. I should be taken out back and shot in the face with a gun made from the hardened tears of television critics everywhere.

Psych

Psych is actually kind of good. I mean, it's kind of funny. I think I like Psych. It does not make me a bad person.

Never Mind The Buzzcocks

Imagine Spicks & Specks now imagine if Spicks & Specks was actually funny - that's Never Mind The Buzzcocks... seasons 19 & 20. This season is a bit of a massive let down in the laughs department, we may as well watch regular Spicks & Specks for all the non laughs we're getting out this thing this year.

Shows I Watch On A Semi-Regular Basis

Friday Night Lights

I'm not a big fan of the expression 'nuff said' but: Friday Night Lights is awesome - nuff said. By which I mean that all I need to say is Friday Night Lights is awesome and the matter should now be dropped... just making sure that was clear.

Lost

Apparently there's this show called LOST and it's pretty popular, yeah I'm on Season One. So take that world!

Life

Life really shouldn't be as good as it is, but it is good. Or at least as good as a procedural show about detectives can be.

Shows I Watch On A Weekly Basis

The Office

All but one of these 'when they come out we watch them' shows are comedies. Make of that what you will, but I'll sum it up for you: comedies are really easy to watch. The Wire is really difficult to watch, what with it forcing you to use your brain so much.

Meanwhile: The Office is just as good this season as it's ever been. Eat that: 30 Rock.

30 Rock

30 Rock is the worst it's ever been. Sure, the last episode was hilarious, but the five before that were all 'what the hell, where did you hide the laughs?'

Saturday Night Live

Speaking of laughs being hidden. Sad Fact: The best SNL has been this year is when Tina Fey came back on it, yet 30 Rock hasn't been very good at all... so what does that say about where SNL sits in the laugh factory sweep stakes?

The Daily Show

I watch so much Daily Show that if I stopped watching The Daily Show I could watch two whole episodes of The Wire a week. Yeah, I would finish that show in no time...

The IT Crowd

Man that laugh track is annoying, and it's never going to be as funny as the first episode of the second season again, but there's one simple reason I keep watching it: that theme song is so gosh darn catchy!

The Amazing Race

The Amazing Race is the shit, anybody who doesn't believe me obviously doesn't pretend to be in a race for a million dollars when trying not to miss the train. Not that I do... or rather: Not that I have done more than like six or seven times in my life.

How I Met Your Mother

This season is as good as the second season, or the third season, or the fourth season, or is this the fourth season? or is it as good as the first season? Wait. Which was the really good season? Cause this season is nearly as good as that season.

Outnumbered

Outnumbered is awesome because Karen is awesome. Because Karen is five, and when she's improvising lines pretending that her stuffed toys are Gordon Ramsey and the cast of Hell's Kitchen it's the funniest thing on television.

Shows I Watch More Than Once A Week Because I'm Five Seasons Behind

Corner Gas

Corner Gas isn't the funniest sitcom on this list, Corner Gas is just the easiest sitcom to watch. Does that mean I'm an idiot who has to get my priorities in order? No. It doesn't. It means that not every time I sit down to watch television do I need to be challenged.

Rescue Me

Rescue Me combines top quality drama with a rare quality that shows like Brotherhood and Dexter and The Wire and all those shows I want to watch but can't be assed because they're just so freaking heavy: a sense of humour.

Yeah, I know. Who knew that having a sense of humour would make people actually enjoy watching your drama program? Hey, Heroes maybe you should be listening to this.

Rescue Me isn't the best drama on television, but it's a lot more fun.

Show Which We Decided It Would Be A Good Idea To Watch Again From The Very Beginning And Have Spent The Last Six Weeks Watching Seven Seasons Of It Non Stop And Have Had No Time For New Television; Hence The Massive Back Log Of Shows To Get Through:

The West Wing

My Top Ten Shows

Facebook has a super awesome application called TV Shows, and this application has a super awesome section that allows you to order all over your shows in a list of favourite to least favourite.

How super awesome sweet is that? I'll tell you how super awesome sweet? It's super awesome sweet.

Well, it is for me because I like lists, and television, and most especially lists about television.

This is what my list looks like at the moment.

1. The Simpsons

Obviously, because if you don't think The Simpsons is the greatest show of all time you are wrong.

2. Spaced

Because if you've never seen Spaced well then stop reading this and go find a copy of Spaced. Then return and tell me how right I was. I'm right aren't I? Yeah, I know. No need to thank me.

3. The West Wing

Because when your second favourite show went for about 12 episodes it's good to have your third favourite show go for 7 seasons. If only most of the 6th season never happened then I'd feel way better about this being ahead of number 4.

4. Deadwood

Hey HBO, the reason I hate you is because you never finished Deadwood. Thanks for leaving us with a cast of unresolved storylines, that was really nice of you.

5. Freaks & Geeks

You know Seth Rogen right? Yeah, I know him too, and I knew him before you. I knew him when Freaks & Geeks first came out. I saw an episode of this in the States on its first run through. Yeah, that's right. When it actually aired on television in its original time slot. That's right I saw the TV equivilant of the Beatles live. Please, could you all pick up your jaws from the ground and just start counting my indie cred right now.


But this is where my list gets a little iffy. 6 through 10 are all up in the air. At the moment they look like this.

6. 30 Rock

30 Rock is awesome. What's that? Season 2 was a bit of a let down, and Season 3 has only had one funny episode so far... I know, this list needs revision.

7. Outnumbered

Oh man, how good is Outnumbered? You've never seen Outnumbered? Oh man, you have to see Outnumbered. It's British dude, get it. British Sitcoms are the new black. It's about this family and they have these kids and... that's it. That's the show. And it's awesome hilarious. I am starting to notice that it lacks any kind of storyline, but you know when you're this funny I'm willing to give you a pass on that.

8. The Daily Show

Sometimes watching a show all the time makes you think that it's king shit. If there were only 22 episodes of the Daily Show it'd probably be somewhere around Number 44 on this list, but it's on four nights a week, and when I spend that much time with somebody I feel bad not including them in my top ten anything.

9. How I Met Your Mother

Yeah, I don't understand this list a lot of the time. What's up with all the sitcoms? Where's Mad Men? Where's Damages? Why is How I Met Your Mother above Friday Night Lights? What's wrong with?

Nothing's wrong with me. How I Met Your Mother is ace bananas, if you don't believe me well then, obviously you have different taste in television than me...

10. Gavin And Stacey

Another Brit-com? Really? Okay. This one is probably wrong, but while it was on Gavin & Stacey was the funniest thing on TV... other than all the shows listed above that are funnier than it...

I redo this right now and Gavin & Stacey isn't going to be in the Top Ten, but if you haven't seen it. See it. I know by now you've checked out Spaced, and you've given Outnumbered a shot and you're all "HOW GOOD ARE YOU?! YOU ARE JUST GIVING ME ALL THE AWESOME SHOWS!" Yeah, I know. You can thank me later.

Where's The Office on my list?

Stupid time. Man, when time passes it sure passes doesn't it? What kind of 'new new new' whore am I? Why is this list just so incorrect? What's up with that? What's up with me be wrong about the order of this list? Why have numbers 6 to 10 only come out in the last couple of years? What kind of non scientific list is this?

I'll tell you what kind: the kind you make on facebook.

SEACREST OUT.

Review With Myles Barlow: It Would Be Better With Jokes

The ABC is hit and miss with it's comedies, for every The Hollowmen they have three Wayne Hope comedies.

Along comes Review With Myles Barlow and somebody forgot to order the jokes. Sure, the premise is funny. Myles reviews everything. From fishing without bait to divorce.

A funny premise that should have led to a hilarious-thank-god-chris-lilley-isnt-in-this half hour of ABC comedy. But somewhere along the way Myles forgot the part about making the show funny.

Case in point. Myles reviews murder. So what happens? Myles talks about planning to murder somebody, then talks about how he's getting anxious, then he murders somebody, and then buries their body, and talks about how he's feeling regret.

And that's it. That's what happens. He gets a divorce and we watch him arguing with his wife and then going through the divorce proceedings.

And that's it.

The only attempt to actually be funny is at the end of every review with Myles sums up what's gone before WITH THE EXACT SAME FREAKING JOKE EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME.

"The shores of discontent were hit with the waves of uneasy feeling which rose up from the ocean of remorse and crashed down hard like the heart break of lost love." Or some variation on the exact same freaking joke.

This isn't clever, this isn't anything.

I found that with Review the power plant of comedy had been shut down and the super superintendent of disappointment had crept inside to check on the gauges of this isn't a very good show.

Also Myles is such an unlikeable host that rather than funny he's off putting. And I say this as a person who's laughed at both the cast of Double The Fist & Chris Lilley, I've seen off putting and I've looked it in the eye and laughed at it.

Phil Lloyd as Myles Barlow makes Chris Lilley look like Somebody Who Isn't A Tool.

So until Review starts including actual jokes in its episodes I'm forced to Change The Channel.

See what I did there?? I USED THE NAME OF THE BLOG AS THE FINAL LINE OF MY REVIEW - NAILED IT!